Meet Stefany Pike from California. This entrepreneurial mother, wife, and mentor is a dear friend of mine who mentored me in the beginning of my marriage. A true example in many ways, I was beyond ecstatic when she took the plunge with answering The Parenting Profile questionnaire. Oh and just so you know, I should probably add "survivor" because she has been through the California fires and lives to tell about it. "Two years ago today the wildfires came through our neighborhood at 4:30 am... we were throwing the kids in the car while our backyard and roof were on fire. The firetrucks were all around us and the cinders were flying like bullets. . . . . SO, SO, SO grateful this morning is alot more peaceful." Enjoy :)

Hey Stefany, so how do you view the world?
I am an optimist so I tend to think the cup is half full. Or at least there is a pitcher nearby, with lots of lemonade.


Did this influence how you raised your children?
Ohhh I just realized you were looking for something different when you asked the fist question. I would like to think that my parenting approach comes from my understanding of why we are here, what our purpose is and where we are going. I get those answers through my church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

What would you say your parenting philosophy was?
Weeeeelll, my husband is the military dictator and I am somewhere in the middle of the opposite and him. I think we make a good pair. Our children have had different thoughts though of who was the dictator (laughing) through the years.


What type of values did you try to instill in your children and how did you teach them?
I am huge on manners “ yes, please and thank yous.” And my hubby is a good old boy from the South so he is all over the “Sir and Maam” thing. Beyond that – we have tried to teach them that they are unique, special and capable of doing anything that they set out to do and have tons to give to the world around them. We also have tried very hard to instill upon then WHO they are and that they come from a noble birthright and that they are future queens and kings – in training.


Where did you get your values from?
Our values have come from the teachings and principles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.


So Stefany, were you affectionate? physically? emotionally?
I think we are usually hugging for one reason or another. Emotionally, oh heck ya. We always try to spend individual time with the kids even if its just going to the grocery store together. Long talks are synonymous with driving with me in the car. And as a precaution, my kids know that sometimes my emotions come goobing out through tears.


How did you handle the age specific behaviors? (i.e. tantrums, lying, experimenting, rebelling)?
Not very well. Oh, you wanted more of an answer than that? Well somedays I deal with them by going in the bathroom, locking the door and not coming out until I have determined the child is no longer at risk. So much of parenting is a trial and error thing to be honest and let me tell you I have made my share of blunders and errors.

How did you discipline and what did you let slide and what did you give extra attention to? How did you determine this?
One thing that we have recently added to our parenting toolbox is a family contract with our teens. In its 12 pages, it clearly spells out every last responsibility, consequences of breaking and the privileges associated with doing the right thing. It includes everything from cell phone use, drinking, grades, curfew, driving, chores, etc. Everything already thought out, agreed to by the parents and child and put in a binder as well as a copy posted in the child’s room. When something happens – we refer to our family binder and the effect of the child’s action is spelled out. I am truly loving this as it takes the stress out of the heat of the moment. The parents don’t argue, the child already knows the outcome and it’s a beautiful thing. . . at least so far.

NOTE- The contract was hammered out by my husband and I on a 2 night getaway where we sat and discussed it all … out of the hearing range of the children. All discussions and individual parents’ thoughts were aired at that point. When the contract was presented to the child it was done with parents 100% united (and no mention of the journey of communication and frustrations to come up with it).

Kristin's Note: Stefany I think this is brilliant and creative...


How was the topic of sex/intimacy approached in your home?
Very carefully. I can think of 2 ways. Jason makes comments around the teenagers like “I always LOVE sleeping with your mom.(smiles)” Usually they respond with gagging noises and I leave the room. Early on I went to him about these kind of remarks ….I was annoyed to say the least. Who was this man to act like a Navy Sailor acting like so ridiculous around me? Then his comment was “ I want my boys to grow up realizing that it is cool to feel such a way about there wife and I want my girls to hold their husbands to this standard” SO – though it is VERY embarrassing to me, I get it .

How did you bring out their individual best selves and/or make your children feel special?
I often wonder if I have done this enough and thus I don’t know if I have done this properly. I have had moments of the sun shining through and feeling like I have captured the essence of this. I will share one of these moments.

When our daughter was 15 she and I went on a humanitarian trip to Mexico. I saw lights come on within her. I saw her in her element at a very tender time in her life I saw her passion and excitement in that week alone. She came home and declared that doing stuff like that was her mission. The months passed and I watched as she searched to find that feeling again. I pretty much was a spectator during this time frame. One day she came to me and declared that she wanted to earn enough money to pay to have a home built for a family in Mexico. Then, as if that weren’t enough, she wanted to take a group down the build the home. I was shocked. We had no financial means to help her and I knew she had to do it completely on her own. Being a mother, I worried, “what if she fails and doesn’t quite make the required amount? What if she doesn’t get the home built in time? What if she quits?” I finally took some time in prayer. It was only then that I realized that she needed to do this for whatever reason and the consequences would be part of what she needed. It took great faith to not be a helicopter mom. What if she failed?

I watched her feverishly doing donut sales, presentations, asking for donations and counting the money. As I watched this process from a distance I realized that I was actually watching her find her mission. Her mission – not mine. This was probably one of my better parenting/life missions.

Honestly, one of the best parenting lessons that I have learned is to realize that every kid is different from the others. They each have different attitudes, paradigms, trigger points and things that motivate them. It’s our job to listen and to hear all of that and try (time and time again) to pull it all together and make magic. I don’t think in anyway parents can be a one-hit success it’s in the consistently, persistently “being there” .

What rules did you have (i.e. no license until an eagle, curfews, etc.) that you felt were effective?
Once in a fit of frustration we told our now 16 year old son that he had to have his Eagle Scout before he couldn’t drive until he had his Eagle Scout. We are in the midst of that so I will let you know how it turns out.

You seem to have a strong and supportive family, how have you created this?
Another little tidbit that I have learned. PLAN, follow through and carryout family together time. With a big, busy family and dealing with budgets it is often easy to nix the vacation or not do things together for a variety of excuses. We have discovered that the little things like planning a trip to pick apples can be relatively cheap but will leave a lifetime of memories.

Additionally, I have told the children that friends will (sadly) come and go but your FAMILY will always be there for you. Your brother, or sister will always be there for you. Through thick and thin – here is a group of people who will love and understand you, forever. . . . And when you choose yer spouse ya darn well oughta pick someone who appreciates this “mess” !!!


Did you have special family traditions?
Every night we gather together for family prayer.
Eating dinner together and the antics, laughter and craziness that happens when 7 people gather in a small room. Also, before each child can be excused he has to tell my husband one thing that he/she learned that day. If its something lame some one usually rejects it saying “ How will that affect you in 5 years?” . The children’s friends now know this is coming so they come to dinner prepared with their own answer.


Do you have any regrets you'd care to elaborate on?
It’s important to take time out for you. So often we set our own needs to the back burner and that’s where they sit till you lose a part of who you are. Take the time to journal, pray, read your scriptures, meditate and excercise. Everynow and then – go and get a pedicure and buy a new dress. You deserve it. Find and develop a hobby that is yours. By doing these things you will be less prone to depression, have more energy, more excitement and be able to be more creative. Trust me.

This one is evolving – I think I could have better balanced the mother friend thing better. Sometimes I think I could have been more mother than friend. Yeah… I know I could have. It would have made enforcing the consequences a whole lot easier.

If you could give some wisdom to new parents now, what would it be?
Don’t spend money on the new trendy toys – Really, if I could do it over again, I would just use the classic toys. Legos, Tinker toys, wooden blocks and a palate of cardboard boxes every now and then will foster more creativity, role playing, visual perception, career exploration and fine motor coordination than most toys on the shelf. Trust me, it took me 5 years to grasp this concept and I sooo wish I could go back.

Take time out for you. So often we set our own needs to the back burner and that’s where they sit till you lose a part of who you are. Take the time to journal, pray, read your scriptures, meditate and excercise. Everynow and then – go and get a pedicure and buy a new dress. You deserve it. Find and develop a hobby that is yours. By doing these things you will be less prone to depression, have more energy, more excitement and be able to be more creative. Trust me.

I would have listened to my mothers intuition more.

I would have stuck to and followed through with chore charts at an earlier age.

I would have budgeted an allowance for the children from the beginning and had them use that to buy extras. In our home, I buy the basic shampoo, clothes, shoes. If you want more or a different brand then YOU have to budget and save for it.

Oh here is a big one. I wouldn’t have been so quick to compare myself to what I saw of other families. I was comparing our faults to their strengths. Over the years, I have learned that EVERY family has their own set of weaknesses and baggage. We are all doing the best given our personalities, backgrounds, cultures to raise uniquely different children.

Thanks Stefany. I loved having a chance at gleaning some "Stefany insight" and sharing that insight with others. You can get MORE of Stefany and her daily adventures over at her blog, Pikes Pickles.


If you have someone YOU'D like to have featured on The Parenting Profiles, email me at: kristinbhodson@gmail.com

Meet Marty Halverson. Blogger extroidanaire, and a cheerleader and #1 fan of her 7 children and many grandbabies. This Travelin' Oma, has talents to boot and after following a favorite of mine, Marta, from Marta Writes, I decided this Mama has secrets I'd like to discover for myself for my family. From her down-to-earth perspective to magnifying classic family priniciples based on truth, I know you'll enjoy her parenting perspective as much as I did. Thanks Marty for taking the time out of your busy schedule!

So Marti, How do you view the world?
I view the world very optimistically. I enjoy my life and see the good.


Did this influence how you raised your children?
For sure. Although I get cross, and discouraged like everyone, I have an eternal perspective and don't stay down or negative for long.


What would you say your parenting philosophy was?
My parents had the same optimism. However they were more into control. If I didn't see things their way, I was wrong. As I got older and made choices about college and marriage that they disagreed with, I was not encouraged. It was hard for me.


What type of values did you try to instill in your children and how did you teach them?
Pray always, love one another, serve one another. That's it in a nutshell.

Where did you get your values from?
The LDS church and my parents.


Were you affectionate? Physically? emotionally?
I think I was affectionate. I'm not real huggy or cuddly with adults, but I am with kids. Emotionally I'm very affectionate, and I try to say loving, supportive things.


How did you handle the age specific behaviors? (i.e. tantrums, lying, experimenting, rebeling)?
I tried everything (spanking, grounding, talking, time outs, priviledges taken away, etc.) I had 7 kids and they all responded differently. I read all the books, tried all the strategies, and ultimately just waited it out!


How did you discipline and what did you let slide and what did you give extra attention to? How did you determine this?
I tried to give positive attention, and it worked most of the time. My relationship with my kids was of utmost priority, and I talked with them about everything. I used to check them out of school and take them to lunch for a "chat" about things I worried about. I chose my battles. A messy room is not the same as lying. I let the messy room slide. I NEVER told them they were lazy, dumb, or selfish. I used positive terms in my criticisms: "You are a smart kid! Why do you act like school doesn't matter?" "You are so hard working when you practice basketball. Put some of that energy into mowing the lawn."


How was the topic of sex/intimacy approached in your home?
I talked about sex their whole lives. We had FHE on it. I tried to make it normal, but not available to them yet. "When you're 16, you can drive. Won't that be awesome? Don't take the car before that, or you'll ruin the opportunity." "When you're 18 you can go to college. You'll love it. It's worth preparing for." "When you're married you can have sex. Don't spoil it for yourself by having it before you're married." I had some kids who were always asking questions, interested in details, and others who were embarrassed, and didn't participate. I just wanted them to know I wasn't embarrassed talking about it, that I KNEW about it, and it was like fire—dangerous if not used properly, in the right place at the right time.


How did you bring out their individual best selves and/or make your children feel special?
My parents had tried to program me to choose certain interests, develop certain talents, and I felt that I disappointed them when I chose other things. It's my philosophy that we're not molding our kids, we're helping them discover themselves. Who knew I'd have a computer genius? Computers weren't even invented when he was little. I encouraged every interest and never tried to steer them into anything. If it isn't a commandment from God, then it's not a commandment. College degrees? They could choose (6 for 7.) They know they've got my support for anything they want to pursue.


What rules did you have (i.e. no license until an eagle, curfews, etc.) that you felt were effective?
Curfews were flexible. Knowing where they were was mandatory. Curfews, calling in, etc. were all part of being considerate. We did it, too. All 3 of our sons got their eagles and served missions for our church, but these were not part of incentive programs. They were good choices (missions a commandment) and we presented them that way. We encouraged, but didn't demand things like good grades, etc. A couple of kids didn't take seminary but they were good kids, and we let them choose.

You seem to have a strong and supportive family, how have you created this?
It came naturally, because that's how we treated them.

Your children seem to be strong, capable, confident how did you facilitate this?
Praised them for their good qualities. Taught them that they were unique and we were in awe of them.


Did you have special family traditions?
We had lots of traditions that evolved over the years. The main traditions I wanted to promote were loving each other, having fun working and playing together, prayer, testimony, serving one another.


Excluding luck and anything existential beyond your control, what do you think YOU did that helped to influence your children for good?
Loved them unconditionally.


What is the biggest difference you see between our generation and our approach to families and yours?
Husbands help more. Kids are over-programmed.


If you could give some wisdom to new parents now, what would it be?
You are your kid's parents with a right and responsibility to teach them. You'll be blessed with the right inspiration for each unique child. Don't delegate parenthood to someone who doesn't have that right. Your kids need you! Love them and teach them that God loves them.

Meet Mr. Leland White. You may also know him as Aimee Heffernan's (from AimeeHeffernan.blogspot.com) Dad and Scott Heffernan's Father-in-Law. (from VoteOrDie.blogspot.com) As I suspected, he is one cool, grounded dude with an intuitively loving approach to the world, himself and mostly his children. Let's be honest, could he not be cool with a do like that? Doubt it. I've never met Mr. White personally, but have been able to meet him vicariously through Aimee who, like her Pops, is one incredible gal. I have been so lucky to have her in my life in various capacities and so the next obvious move was to interview her parent's to find out their tricks of the parenting trade. Hope you enjoy getting a glimpse of Leland's mind, heart and soul on his approach to PARENTING!

Leland, How do you view the world?
I view the world as the setting for the ‘mother of all vacations’! I have left my parents to go on a great adventure. My father and mother wished me well, pointed out a couple of sites they really want me to visit, but also admonished me to recognize that I am just a visitor in that place and to NOT get too attached. They want me back filled with stories and lessons learned along the way! But they do want me back. The world is for exploring and testing my applications of ‘soul work’. This view helps me make mistakes without being consumed by compunction or remorse.

Did this influence how you raised your children? Yes! I think it is my primary job to help my kids see their lives as a work in progress, with ‘joy’ being the ultimate outcome. If they can see the world as the quintessential laboratory for temporal and spiritual exploration and investigation, their souls will be infused with a natural curiosity about how the world works and how they can contribute to that world’s betterment as well as their own progress.

Leland, What would you say your parenting philosophy was?
See life from a place of abundance rather than scarcity. There are NO questions too large or too insignificant to consider, if they help you define your place in the world. And be curious about everything. Question everything, especially your parents.

What type of values did you try to instill in your children and how did you teach them?
Honesty, integrity, curiosity, love, compassion, loyalty, courage, tenacity AND passion. As much as possible, I attempt (still working at this even though all my kids are adults….) to teach them through experience rather than conversation. Although we have tons of conversations, I am an experiential learner. I also teach life’s lessons better that way. My kids learned more about the ocean by swimming in it at 3-7 years old than they would have by reading about it in a book. That is one example of many…

Where did you get your values from?
My folks and grandfolks were great experiential and systems thinkers! A great friend was a touchstone and anchor on values from 13 years old to this past weekend when he visited from SLC.

Were you affectionate? Physically? emotionally?
Yes! And I am and was spiritually affectionate as well.

How did you handle the age specific behaviors? (i.e. tantrums, lying, experimenting, rebelling)?
I am not sure I did this well. I tried to look at my kids through a more ‘eternal lens’ from the moments (4 of them, hence, plural moments) they were born. When they acted out, I tried to understand the nature of their unhappiness. That worked most of the time, but I did have moments with all 4 kids where I was heard saying, “stop that right now, you little shit!”. These were not proud moments for me, but I DID learn from them. In their teen years, I did help them understand that they were never rebelling against me. Any rebellious behavior was a statement about societal mores or rebellion against their basic nature. They always knew they were accountable for fixing any problems they created for themselves. I was either a compassionate witness to their growth processes or an expert advisor to them. I never took the problem away from them, swept the path in front of them to make life easier for them or tried to help them explain away their issues. I helped them with self-definition and embracing experience as a great teacher.

How did you discipline and what did you let slide and what did you give extra attention to?
I never grounded and spanked only on rare occasions and stopped that completely when my middle daughter Shannon pointed out that spanking was abusive behavior—a bi person picking on a little person merely because they could do it. How ridiculous was that!? My discipline was ALL conversation based. I found that asking the question, “is that how you really want to show up in life!?”, packed more power than any form of verbal or physical dominance I could have asserted with my kids. I always tried to figuratively move around to the same side of the table from which they were examining their lives and see what challenges and problems were presenting themselves to my kids. We would then explore why they were stuck and how their core values (of course we didn’t call them core values when they were 10 years old!) might help them find solutions that would have lasting value and help them make necessary positive changes. What did I give added attention to??? Issues that challenged the essence of who they were becoming were always of deeper concern for me. This was more in the late teen early twenties for my kids. How did you determine this? I determined the need for my intervention/discipline by my kids signaling that they were in trouble and needed my attention on something.

How was the topic of sex/intimacy approached in your home?
Sex and intimacy are powerful parts of our lives. When they work well and in synch with each other, they make a healthy contribution to a well-balanced and integrated life. When abused or ignored, there are few topics or issues that will throw life out of balance more dramatically! My kids learned from a very early age that sex is much more than an exchange of body fluids or mental impulses of lust. At its best, sex and physical intimacy are as close as we humans can come to sharing our very ‘beings’ with each other.

How did you bring out their individual best selves and/or make your children feel special?
This requires a steadfast commitment to being fully present and ‘in the moment’ with kids. I think my kids are mentally healthy people because we affirmed their lives AS they were experiencing life. I never felt as though there was anything more important than the conversation I was having with my child at ‘that’ moment. I tried not to be distracted with my kids, especially when they were giving me permission and asking me to lead them.

Leland, What rules did you have (i.e. no license until an eagle, curfews, etc.) that you felt were effective?
If you are caught driving under the influence, I will revoke your license until you are 21 and can make the choice by yourself’ (never had to implement this one), if we have problems, address it directly and avoid passive-aggressive behavior, before you ‘step out of bounds’ with any activity or behavior, understand your motives.

You seem to have a strong and supportive family, how have you created this?
I am not sure Marilyn and I set out with intentionality to create a ‘strong and supportive family’. We embraced the role of parenting with enthusiasm. And my family background was more balanced (but more traditional father/mother roles) than hers. Her father did not have much to do with emotional and psychological support of his kids. But her mother was terrific. However, we didn’t fall into a strong family serendipitously. We defined a way of being with our kids that seemed to work for us. And we maintain that synergy to this day. I think there was something about declaring our home a ‘safe haven’ for all who entered that invited our kids’ friends to return often and join our family conversations. Years after we moved from SLC, many of them returned because they craved that presence in their own homes with their kids.

Your children seem to be strong, capable, confident how did you facilitate this?
They evidently had a say in this. Our daughters have what we call patriarchal blessings in our faith. All three daughters’ blessings state that they chose their parents in a pre-existent state. How did we facilitate our kids becoming strong capable people? We probably got ‘an early start’ with those conversations.

Did you have special family traditions?
Beyond the normal family norms most people have, we have an informal ritual of ‘checking in’. Marilyn and I did it with all of our kids and now they do it with each other and with their own kids.

Do you have any regrets you'd care to elaborate on?
I regret ‘sweating the small stuff’ a little too much….

Excluding luck and anything existential beyond your control, what do you think YOU did that helped to influence your children for good?
I made sure my love was big enough and strong enough that they never had to question whether or not someone out there loved them. Above ALL else, I did that consistently well. If that becomes your framework for life or your ‘reason for being’, it can help you address a world full of complications and challenges beyond your control.

What is the biggest difference you see between our generation and our approach to families and yours?
I think technology introduces enough of a change agent in how people interact that I will zero in on it. Most of the changes are positive, but there are also negative consequences that manifest themselves with this difference.

If you could give some wisdom to new parents now, what would it be?
Trust your instincts for ‘loving’ more than you trust those voices that may come over the top of that love telling you that you have it all wrong. You are smarter than you think when love is the compelling motivation behind your actions.

I am very willing to admit that I could have done better! But I have yet to meet a father who loves his kids more than I do mine. For me, that matters the very most in how I continue to alter and shape my world view described in #1!


Thank you Leland. Learned a lot, inspired much. You rock the caspba :)

This all came about after becoming a new parent and then observing a particular family week in an week out. They weren't high-profile or anything, just your average American family but there was grounding there. Their teenagers were solid. Solid teenagers? Yup. Solid teenagers. Their friendships with each other seemed intact and thriving. All of them pursuing their passions individually and supporting each other collectively. I found myself wondering...What is it? What do they know that I NEED to know? What's going on in their home that has contributed to their family dynamic? After questioning for a while in my own mind, I decided to skip out of my head and into theirs. When I got to thinking there were many families that stood out in addition to this one and I wanted to know trade secrets as well. So more emails ensued and responses started coming in.

I had my experience with the so-called parenting experts. I read every single parenting book imaginable. We're talking from hardcore, never put-your-baby-down attachment parenting philosophy to the opposite end of the spectrum DO NOT let your baby get off their schedule or you have doomed them forever and by the way, when they are crying they are manipulating you so just let them deal philosophy. I stopped listening to my own mother gut, doubted my husband's and was paralyzed by my fear of acting and screwing up my child...permanently. I did learn some valuable things, but the biggest thing I learned was, "Kristin, put the books down. Trust yourself." And so I did. just. that.

Now 11 months later I am realizing the real experience and knowledge is from those who have been in the throws of parenting and done their time in the trenches. Gotten their hands dirty, their couches destroyed, their hearts opened. I wanted to know what THEY did. Don't get me wrong, their is a place for the expert opinion, but a little goes a long way. After reading these various trench responses I feel more empowered less paralyzed. Free to act and make mistakes, experience and build my own story. More comfortable in my own skin and more faith in my innate abilities. None of these people started out with 25 years of parenting experience. They built it over time through trial and error. Living and doing. Feeling and being.

Welcome to the Profiles of Parenting featuring your everyday Joe's and Josette's from the trenches who live to tell about it! With a new profile every Friday, I hope you'll enjoy the down and dirty authentic responses from others.

First Up: Mr. Leland White

Enjoy.